Love And Loss



Dear Friends,


Warmest Love For You All,


Hi, How are you? Hope you all are doing great. Now we’ve come to the post about my love journey. Ah memory….

Let me take a deep breath before starting this post……..


Okay.. Guess I’m ready.


Let me tell you the story of how I met my true love, and how I lost that only man who made me bended on my knees.

As what I told you in About Me Post, his name is Kemp, and he was the love of my life (Part I).


And here’s the story.


Kemp Martha, you can call him. Kemp was born and grew up in Singaraja, Bali at 15 May 1981. He moved to Bandung in order to attend university. Kemp was a college student of Mechanical Engineering in Technological Institute of Bandung 1999 class. Yes, he was clever and smart. He used to be the top in his class or even school when he lived in Bali. Once his Father told me, during his elementary school day, one day at the end of the semester, he came home crying, because he wasn’t number one. He got second rank in school (not class but the whole school) and it was devastating for him. Kemp since he was a kid already showed a perfectionist character.

By the time passed, in high school he ain’t get the first rank but he was great at basket ball. He found a new hobby and he was good at it. In college, Kemp really didn’t care about GPA as in the past, but he built link and care more about social relationship. Kemp had found out, that successful in social was better than just successful on educational paper. Even so, he kept studying and graduated in 2005.

In 2004, when Kemp worked on his thesis, he was joining the committee for freshman orientation. He was replacing a friend for a couple of day. There he met my cousin, Yodi who was a freshman in 2004 class. Kemp has a good impression from Yodi’s character, and vice versa. Their meeting was short, but Yodi told me that he has found a cool man for me. “Kak, there is this cool guy name Kemp. He is my senior in Mechanical Engineering. I think you two will hit it off.”  he said. I was excited, and can’t wait to be introduced. But guess what, Yodi couldn’t find this man. He was like vanished from campus. It was too bad. Now that I just knew he was already flew for worked in Batam at that time.

3 years forward, I graduated and worked at this EO in Jakarta. During office break time, I checked out my Friendster (it was gone now, Facebook took the crown) and there was this friend’s suggestion to a guy named Kemp. My sharp memory (haha!) remembered that it was sound like the name of Yodi’s senior. So without thinking any further I just sent him a message that said

N: “Hey, How are you. Sorry, but are you from ITB?”

K: “Yess. Are you, what major?”

N: “No. But my cousin Pande Yodi is. He’s in MM 2004.”

K: “Oh, so you were Pande’s cousin, nice to know you.”

N: “Nice to know you too.”

And that’s all it took. We hit it off and plan the meeting. Both of us leave on weekend from our working city to meet in Bandung. We finally met at the first time in one mall, and then got our lunch in a famous restaurant called Kampung Daun. There he told me that he was leaving Batam to work in Jakarta. I was so relieved, because I didn’t know how to do long distance relationship. I broke up with a guy who lived in a different city, because of our non stop miss communication. I couldn’t handle the distrust and the distance. With Kemp, all of the obstacles, disappeared one by one. It make us didn’t hesitate to start our romance relationship.

Instead of meeting in 2004, we met in 2007. I met him anyway, anyhow. Oh thank you to Destiny.

Things to describe Kemp, he is smart, nice, caring, funny, patience, easy to adapt, responsive, high initiative, fast learner, hard worker, determined, logical, strong, good looking, tan, tall and six packs. He was all that I want.

Kemp loved me so much, he almost like worshiped me. I was the one who always hate all the romantic surprises, had to face lots surprises from him. From the surprise arrival, surprise jewels, or surprise birthday etc. So many surprises until I beg him to stop. He was changing a lot, from not that care of romance, to too much care of romance detail. I said…

N: “Bli, please do tell me why you did all of this thing for me honey? Because all I wanted before was just a consistent call and email, a clear communication everyday… not surprises. And you said your self you are the most not romantic person alive. That I have to accept that.. And I accept that. But what’s going on now?”

K: “I love to give surprises for you. Because you never had that crazy shocked expression whenever I made one. So it’s kinda challenge me.”

N: ” So if I look shocked you’ll stop?”

K: “Mmh can’t promise you that honey.. Because here’s the matter. Before you, a man like me never thought or care about romance. But now it’s different, cause you’re different. Now that I’ve met you, suddenly all I wanna do is giving those romantic surprises that really wasn’t ‘me’.. But I don’t care how stupid or crazy I am now, cause all I care about is to see your smile. That smile… The smile that always make my day, make my life meaningful… The smile that make me realize, I’ve found my true love. And her happiness is one of the reason of my existence. I think my surprises made you happy secretly. But okay, I’ll try to tone it down. Just so you know, you made my life brighter as I see where I’m gonna go in the future. You make my future clearer. You make me feel romantic. So pardon me, I’ll keep on doing anything to keep you happy, from now on, to forever. You understand?”

I was speechless when I heard him said those sweet thing to me. Then I just knew, he’d do anything for my happiness. Then there I knew, he was the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I didn’t mind anymore when he threw surprises, but he kept his promise. And his surprise becoming better and better. Just right for his easy going character, not too much.


My 24th Birthday Surprises at 5am, 2009


DSC05031-1024x681 ed2-e1430302017891-1024x813 DSC05038-1024x681

Kemp’s 28th Birthday Midnight Surprise from my sis and bro.. The one and only birthday surprise I gave him, 2009


We’ve learned from each other, we had the same dreams, and we had the same principles. He was like the other half of me. So it was true, they say our heart was half until we meet the one. And he was my half. Used to be..

Kemp worked a month overseas, but came home for 2 weeks. I was facing a -not too- long relationship, and it was worked out. Because it was him. Kemp made ally with my sister, my friends, even my roommate in giving surprises for me. I didn’t have much to say anymore, just trying to not mad or gave him flat face on the surprises. I tried to appreciate every efforts that he made to shock me in a sweet way.

We get engaged in March 20, 2010, and get married in October 10, 2010. So my wedding was that one of 101010 date wedding.


Oh, great days.. Finally Kemp made it! He gave me the best surprise in my life. He made it giving me a surprise wedding as I always dreamed of. Yeay Babe! It was in Nibbana Bali Resort, a garden party, with a beautiful semi modern wedding dress, flowers and 500 invitee. I wasn’t allowed to get involved, besides the color of decoration and the wedding dress choice. All top secret, and he made it. It was one of the best day in my life. We had 2 receptions, in Bali and Bandung. With two others Bali ceremonies. We were very exhausted, but happiest as ever.





We started our new life in Bandung. We bought a house near our parent’s house so that Kemp won’t worried when he left me for his job. The weird thing was, Kemp got sick easily at that time. Headache, fever, etc. But he just won’t checked his condition, more over he was so sure he was in a perfect condition as he passed the annual medical test on work. I was pregnant, and feeling so blessed. We were about to be parents very soon. But God said the other way, when I was 3 months pregnant, I had miscarriage. I lost the baby. It was the toughest moment for me and Kemp. I remembered how he cried while hugging me. He said there will be another chance. I wish there were.

Kemp master the job and about to be promoted as the youngest Field Engineer Supervisor in Expro PTI. Most of the supervisors are 40-50 years old. He was 29th for love of God! I am a proud wife. But each day, Kemp got sicker and sicker. I remembered how attentive his superior who came to visit us in the hospital in Thailand. The Vice President and General Manager them selves came for him. They encouraged him to recover, and will give him any time he needed to be cured. That was very nice of them. There I knew, Kemp must’ve been a great employee to get that kind of treatment. Oh how I was lucky. Then they said, that Kemp was the one that lucky to have a smart and strong wife like I was. The one behind his greatness they said. And I laughed of shyness. To conclude, both of us really lucky then.

Kemp resting in hospital. Day by day, he was started to change. He wasn’t looked like the man I knew. He started to reject any visit, and shut him self off, he only opened to me. Even my parents and siblings were not allowed to see him. He even didn’t take his own parents or other family’s phone call. He was acting so weird. We fought a lot because Kemp disobeyed the food restrictions. He didn’t like food that I cook for him and he ate secretly anything forbidden. He was very sensitive and I was about to burst by exhaustiveness. Terrible moments (it’s every newlyweds dreams).

One day he said to me the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever heard from him. He was saying sorry to me. He was aware of his disability to make me happy. He said it with eyes closed, he asked me to leave him. That I don’t have to be with him at all. He told me to find another man that would make me happy, because he couldn’t. He just said it out of the blue!

I was so shocked, and I really worried. I said I won’t leave him no matter what. He was the man I’ve chosen, and my man is a strong man. Not a giving up man like he was acting lately. I grabbed his hand and he kept on saying that he couldn’t make me happy. I said I don’t care. We’ve got our best time, and here we’re facing the bad time still holding together. It was the vow that we took, for better or worst. I asked him to stop making me afraid. And then he stopped talking. I can feel him. He was heart broken for saying the thing to me. He never want to let me go, but he was also want to see me happy. That was how much he loved me. While staying by him side months during his torturing sickness was the way I showed him how much I loved him. How could he ever said that thing to me?

A week later, in 20 December 2011, on my Mother’s 50th birthday, it was the same day, but it wasn’t an ordinary dawn at all. That dawn, Kemp got a critical condition. He’s breathing heavily. Come and go every second. He was in a major pain I saw. My family already gathered, while his family were on their way to Bandung. Kemp lost his consciousness while his breath wasn’t in a normal rhyme. It was scary. Like he was ready to stop breathing anytime soon. My Mom tried to get him back, and called him for not leaving me alone. My Mom loves Kemp like his own son, and Kemp is such a great son to my parents heart. But Kemp’s condition got worse. My heart was breaking when I saw his pain, I knew him. I knew his heart said to me that he wanted to go. He just wait for me to let him go, and say ‘that’ word. But I still couldn’t said it. There’s no way I could said it. I couldn’t live without him. My Father asked me to see his condition and let him go in peace. But I said..


How could I let him go after months I struggled hard to take care of him. My family and I went to every possible doctors and alternatives to make him healed. Jakarta, Bekasi, Bangkok, Songkla and Pupuan Bali. We did our best and it was a very hard process in my heart. We’re supposed to have our honeymoon to Europe and Japan. We’re supposed to build our house bigger, and we supposed to do everything together. We had to give up so many newlyweds things because of his sickness. He was hospitalized just five days after our last wedding reception, then in and out hospital for a year. How could we have a normal life like that? But I didn’t mind because I love him so much and he needed me. So NO, I couldn’t let him go.. I still want to do everything that we’re supposed to do together, to replace the lost moments. And to get back our long life happiness as he promised to me.

Kemp’s body temperature raised to 45 Celsius. I know his brain is impossible to be normal after that heat. His eyes wide opened but empty, his head so hot, but his toe to neck was ice cold. My Mother didn’t stop warm Kemp’s feet with cinnamon oil. She said to Kemp, to never dare to leave her daughter alone and to leave her in her 50th birthday. My Mother would be really mad to him if he dare to do it. I sobbed when I heard my Mother’s words.

In tears, my Father asked me again to let him go. He couldn’t stand to see Kemp’s suffering. Kemp is a strong man, and it wasn’t like him at all on the bed. My Father said, it might be best to let him go… I had enough. I wanted to scream loud that I don’t want to lose him. So he needed to stop asking me to let Kemp go. I couldn’t take life without him. I knew I couldn’t!

After two hours Kemp didn’t show any good progress at all. He only breath like 6 times in a minute. His head started to get cold. I looked at him numbly, losing all the words in my head. I started to give up. Kemp was suffering so bad. How long I could see him like that? I will lose him eventually. Machine could keep his body, but I know for sure that his soul still wanted to go. He’s gonna be different. He gave up already… Once he told me, better he die than depend on other people forever. He always independent and couldn’t take it if he’s not. I understand him the most. He already gave up from his excruciating pain at the day he asked me to leave him. He wanted me to leave him so he could leave the world without burden. But I wasn’t burden to him, I was his keeper. His wife. And as his wife I know, my husband didn’t want to live not normal or suffered forever. He never want to be anyone’s burden, especially me whom happiness is the most important to him.

I know what he wants, but I ‘m not sure about what I want. It was all my call, because he trusted me the most. I tried to put my self in his shoe. And the answer was frightening. If I were Kemp, I wanted to go too. It was the ugliest truth, but it’s what I want if I were him. He and I, spoke the same mind, I knew it for sure. I tried not to sob while I gathered all of my power… It was the hardest decision I ever made. And with all the heaviest burden in this whole world you can imagine … I finally said it….

“Bli.. If it’s the best for you. If it’s what God’s want.. and what you want… what can I say.. I sincerely.. let you go…”

And few seconds after, he let out his last breath. Peacefully. My 5 months pregnant sister screamed his name loudly. She felt he was gone. And he really did.

He didn’t even wait for his parents. Before they have arrived, Kemp already lost the war with meningitis disease. I was the one who hold him back, he didn’t want to leave me until I said it. Doctor confirm his death. Kemp was gone in peace, after struggling in months of sickness.

In 20 December 2011, I lost the love of my life at break of dawn. He wasn’t go on duty for a month, but he was go for eternally. It’s really happening.

After he’s gone, life felt blurred. Seemed like I wasn’t even there. I looked at his peaceful face with a blurry eyes. The agony in my heart still feels sharp until now. It was a doom day in my life. Every details were still there in my head. My Mom cried loud while rubbing his feet, scolded to him.. That he was mean for leaving me alone. My sister and my brother hold me together while crying hard. My brother in law, was sitting weak beside his bed. And my Father started to call family and friends in tears to inform that his beloved son has passed away. I remembered everything. Everything.

Sometimes, it wasn’t feel good to have a good memory on a bad memory. But I have it. It was like a curse in my life for being able to remember it.

A day passed by so fast. All of our friends gathered. He was honored by so many people. And yet I still feel so hollow.

Started from that day, I have to live in the world without him. I thought I couldn’t do it, I thought I was gonna died due to misery. God has took the most important thing in my life. The biggest source of my happiness. No more silly surprises, no more man with silly dance and laughter, no more happiness in me.. That I thought so…

It’s like Hell.. I was devastated… But I had to throw the last ceremony for him in Bali. The best ceremony, for my best man. I had to make it perfect.. That would be my last goodbye, for my perfect man. I had to do it, with a smiling face, but with a silent bleeding in my soul.

It was hard, but I had to face it. It was hard, but I had to it anyway…


It was hard, because I know the greatness of love, but forced to live without my true love…

Once he said I was a mother, without a child.. and now destiny has said.. I am too a wife, without a husband..


Destiny oh destiny…


-continue to Love and Loss 2-



Ananda Ramartha



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  3. Nanda,

    You know, I cried.

    Love and loss. I just, you know, I am wondering where you got all the energy to share this kind of story.

    Kemp must be proud to have u as his wife.

    1. Dear Abu,

      Thank you so much for reading! Yeah it was hard to spill them all before, but now I’m stronger because of that.

      Many people who experienced the same things as me, so I want to make them realized that they are not alone.
      Please share it to the ones you know that experienced same loss as I had.

      Hopefully they’ll feel better and I’m sure Kemp will be grateful for your assistance too 🙂

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