Me & Lupus

chooselanguage/pilihbahasa

 

Dear Friends,

Warmest Love For You 🙂

 

How are you dear friends? I hope you’re doing okay out there. I hope you are holding on strong out there. And I really hope that you will pass any test that happened to you, to your body. I really wish to see your smile as I smiling right now.

My friends, this is the story of how I found out about my disease. This is the story of how I hit a rock bottom, and of how I finally able to stand taller. I wish anything that I’ve been through will be reflected on you, and anything that I did or didn’t will give you something to do better than me. This is my sharing, from one of the worst experience in my life. The reason why I wanted to go back to that painful memory, remembering all of my pain, so that you’ll see that you’re not alone in this. I wanted you to see, that you can be happy in your special condition. And more over, I wanted you to see that you can totally healed if you really want it.

9 September 2014, I came home to Bandung from another city. I was attending business seminar in Surabaya for around 4 days. I came in Bandung without acknowledged, that something fishy has happened in my body. I was resting at home the day after. I lived alone so I cook my own food. Everything was seemed normal on 10 September, I was just a little bit exhausted, that’s all. But something bad happened in the middle of the night, I was having a massive diarrhea, I vomited too. My nose bleeding out of sudden. I think I lost lot of of my body’s fluid. I tried to handle it my own, but thing got worse until I could not stand. I thought I had food poisoning.

It was 8 am morning on 11 September, I finally seek helped. I called my parent whom lived near from my own house. They rushed to my house, and took me to the emergency room at nearest hospital. My family and I don’t fancy emergency room, we’ve been familiar to ER since my husband’s sickness (About Me: Love and Lost post). ER brought us a traumatic feeling. But what were we gonna do, I was very sick. I salute my family who able to face their fears of ER.

A young doctor examined me, and I told him all of the symptoms that I felt. Diarrhea, vomit, dizzy, tremor, a constant nose bleed every day and a hard fast beat on my heart. He took my blood sample and finally found out my thrombocyte (blood platelets) dropped until only 12.000. For normal people, blood platelets range is 150.000-450.000. So I was critical. Doctor decided that I needed to be hospitalized. I didn’t mind because I had to.

Since I had a critical number of platelets, I went to High Care Unit instead of hospital ward. I need an intensive care, and no free visit. I need to rest totally. I remembered how I moved my body without any nurses help when changing the bed. They were confuse why did I still able to stand in my condition. I said I even able to run if I wanted it. They said I wasn’t looked like sick people. I was grateful for those.

I rested at night, with close eyes I heard nurses talking in front of the room. They said all of my blood test were negatives. No typhoid, dengue fever, or malaria. They said I was supposed to be okay according to the test. I didn’t say a word, just listen to the nurses talk. In the morning a woman doctor who was in charge for my case came and told me I was having a dengue fever. I didn’t complaint or anything else because I just want to be taken care of right away. I needed to get the hell out from this hospital. To help me, doctor gave 4 packs blood platelets transfusion to increase my platelets to normal amount. There were four injection hoses in my hand, made me hard to move. I forgot what those injection were meant for, but I got better.

I moved to a ward and accompanied by my Mother. My sister gave me a traditional herbs that known for it’s effectiveness in boosting platelets for dengue fever. I took it, combined it with doctor medicine and voila.. My platelets reached 120.000 in only 2 days. I was discharged from hospital.

For recovery, I was an outpatient with my doctor. I came once in a week to see her. In two weeks, she said I was better and didn’t need to have any medicine just vitamins. For dengue fever, the blood platelets are going to heal them selves. I was about to be fully recovered she said, but to be honest I didn’t felt that way. Each day gone by, I became weaker and weaker. I change doctor to seek a second opinion but his answer didn’t satisfied me. I change doctor again and he asked me to check my platelets number to make sure. And it was shocking, my blood platelets went to 30.000. No wonder I didn’t feel okay. I asked the third doctor of what was I supposed to do, he said just have a total bed rest. Platelets supposed to raise themselves up very soon. I needed to be careful with my food and rest etc, etc.

It was a month after hospitalized, and I was getting worse. I felt the world had a constant earthquake, my feet were hard to move, my body shaken with a bad tremor and my heart beat become faster and harder. I was sweating all the time, and couldn’t standing for long. The most frightening was, I had a bleeding nose everyday. When I got mad or upset because of something, the bleeding was hard to stop. It did stop after I lay down with a nose facing roof for two hours. I obeyed to rest totally, stopped all of my activity. Did anything doctor’s asked. I laid on bed, and cheered my self up with funny movies and series. I need to stay calm but it was very hard. I didn’t have a good sleep for two months. I slept only a half hour everyday due to a major sore pain in my feet. The test said I was having an uric acid or gout. I just know that gout could be really painful.

Every different symptoms made dengue fever is doubtfully was my real sickness. I remembered too how the nurses said before, that I wasn’t positive on dengue fever. So this must’ve been another disease, but my previous doctor just couldn’t solve it, force it was dengue fever anyhow. Fatal diagnosis. I was in excruciating feet pain and I felt so stuck for not knowing what has happened to me. I cried quietly every night and beg Him to help me. I was calling my late husband to help me found out whatever happened to me. He might not there as a human, but he will always there as my guardian angel. So I asked him to help me to find the answer.

My little sister said that I was possibly having ITP (Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura). A disorder that can lead to easy or excessive bruising and bleeding. The bleeding results from unusually low levels of platelets. That seemed about right, my body covered with bruises and my platelets dropping not increasing. I had dark blue or red bruise every time I hit something unintentionally.  The worst part, ITP could not be healed. But it was an early answer that make me feel calmer from my misery. It was December already and I needed to do a fast action about it. The three doctors couldn’t found my problems, I needed to find a doctor who could. I needed to check with a doctor with a blood specialty. I need an exact answer. I browsed and I found one doctor in Bandung.

I came to Doctor Panji. She was super serious when hearing my explanation. I said I suspected ITP, she agreed. And she asked me to lay down for checked. She found that I had arthritis and abnormal thyroid too. It wasn’t gout but a dangerous arthritis. She said she need further test, and she hoped it wasn’t lupus. I didn’t know what lupus was, but my Mother froze. I suddenly remembered, her best friend died because of lupus. Aunty Susan. My Mother didn’t say anything at that time though.

As per doctor order, I took blood tests, autoimmune test and thyroid test. With my parents we walked to go through those test. I didn’t feel good at all that time. I walked weak, and hold on to my Mother’s hand. I was 29, and I acted like little girl. It was embarrassing for an independent woman like me. 3 days later all of the result came out. My autoimmune and hyper thyroid were positive. And guess what, my trombocytes remain 5000. I didn’t know how could I don’t pass out with that number of platelets. I was supposed to be critical by then, but I was still able to walk when took the test in a big and crowd hospital. God have mercy on me.

As I knew, I was hospitalized again. The most worrying thing that concerned by Dr. Panji Irani was my trombocytes number. At first I refused to be hospitalized, but she got a point when she said that amount of blood platelets could make me black out any time. It would be harder to recover after the black out like that. And I still couldn’t rest in my house because of my excruciating feet. It was almost hard to move because my feet swollen. So alright, I agreed to be hospitalized.

I remembered one of my business partner, Gumilang has a wife who used to have arthritis, but she’s healed now. Gumilang already suggested me to take Transfer Factor supplement from 4 Life, but I refused since I didn’t think it was my disease. Honestly, I didn’t even remember what he said to me before. I called him, he came with his wife, Vira to hospital. Vira told everything about her experience with 8 doctors who couldn’t find her disease too. She had a painful 2 years before she finally met my doctor now. Dr. Panji Irani whom was her doctor too. Amazing faith. Vira asked me to trust the supplement as she was healed by it. I trusted her, and I started to consume the supplement behind doctor acknowledgement. For your information, I couldn’t leave the bed, so I paralyzed for three days. But I didn’t say a thing to my parents who still thing I was only bed resting. My Mother stayed with me all the time. I was glad it was an vip room, so she could rest well too.

Doctor started to work with her magic hands on me. I was handled by an endocrine doctor too, Doctor Augusta who handled my hyper thyroid. I was resting while reading The Secret book, as per my mentor suggestion, Mr. Mario Halim. He said it would make me feel stronger to go through my disease. I was reading the book and felt extraordinary amazed. I felt like The Secret really is something that people need in their life. The believe in God (universe) and creating miracle from our own mind. Many people self healed because of their own believe that they are really healthy. People can get rich because they believe they’re rich. All they need to do is to do the secret every single day. And that was all. What an A M A Z I N G book!

I read The Secret half way and already fell in love with the book. My mentor was right, the book was exactly what I need on my condition. And what I needed to help me face what about to come.

At the forth day, when only me and my Mother, Doctor came and giving the worst news (after my husband death). As she’s suspected, I was having a positive lupus. Lupus SLE (systemic lupus erythematosus). She explained that until that day, my body couldn’t accept 2 kind of steroids that already injected to my body. I still had low platelets, even when Doctor’s already raised the steroid doze until hundreds of milligram per day, my body seemed couldn’t accept it. Hundred milligram doze of Dexamethasone and Prednisolone steroid still couldn’t make my self feel better. So her option was to give me Medixone in a high doze. I agreed. She said if that doesn’t work too, the only option was giving me an immunosurpressor that cost around Rp. 250.000.000,- (USD 25.000) per injection. But no guarantee it would be success for my body. I’d do it maybe, if it could heal me, but it wasn’t even for cure, just to stop temporary my own immune from killing my own body. I remembered I laugh when hearing the fantastic number. I said I’ll think about it, having that kind of decision needed a family discussion. But I knew it, I’d find another way than that expensive injection. Doctor understand my mental condition, and she left me and my Mother in my room.

I looked at my Mother slowly. Her eyes were already full of tears. I know she was very shocked. I was too, but I handle it better.

I grabbed The Secret, looked at it with a broken heart. So that was God’s answer for me. A very rude answer but true. So that was my disease all of this time. Didn’t know how long lupus has been staying in my body. All was clearer now. I was crushed but I tried to hold on to my faith, hold on to a book that I just read half. I needed to do it for real, all of the theory in The Secret before I even finish the book. This is the right moment to do it. Not a coincident that I read the book in that kind of time. The book already there in my house, for about a year and I still haven’t touched it because I was so busy with other thing. But when I finally read it, the thing like this happened. It seemed Lord wanted to say something from the book, something that could help me during His test for me.

I didn’t know what will happened, but all I knew that Lord won’t test a human, beyond that human’s self power. No problems that we couldn’t handle. So be it, I said. I believe in Him with all my heart. I will unleash the best power in me, right now. I could do it. I must be have that power needed.

So with a smile on my face, I said to my devastated Mother.

“Mom, you should know.. I could and I will go through this. We will.. Don’t worry. I’ll call Gum about his supplement. I remembered he said that he once have a lupus patient that healed by the supplement. So don’t worry. I’m gonna be okay. Believe me.”

A tear came down to her cheek. I nodded to her, I wasn’t crying at all. I didn’t know why I didn’t. I felt so strong at that time. My believe parameter has risen to maximum. The faith must’ve been reflected on my face. My Mother forced a smile. Maybe she found her power in me. She tried her best not to break, because her daughter didn’t too. She knew it, I needed her to stay strong, and I’m glad she was.

At first, the hardest thing was to let my family know about my sickness. My Mother in law who stays in Bali, cried on the phone. But ever since, she always support my mental by saying, I will have the miracle. She’ll always pray for me. And that was all that I need, even though distance separate us.

My own family felt so shocked, but finally they felt at ease after hearing Gumilang’s explanation. I showed them the testimonies from the lupus survivors. I asked them to believe that I’m gonna be one of the survivor that will be truly healed. Because it’s possible. My mind is the greatest medicine, and I needed them to believe so too.

It was 11 pm, and I stared at the ceiling with a hollow mind. Suddenly, all of my agony burst. I needed to be honest with my self now. I needed to let out all of the torturing emotion that has been hold all this time. And I needed Him to hold me, just hold me while I let out all of my disappointment for what He had done to me. First He took my husband, now this. I felt He was so unfair to me. He just couldn’t make me happy. He loved to test me in the hardest way. I even didn’t know if I still had power left after this. I just needed Him to listen when I unleashed my anger, my pain and my fear. I needed to let it all out tonight so tomorrow I’m ready to do it. So tomorrow I’ll be better to start.

For about an hour I sobbed in silent until it was so hard to breath. I was cried and prayed, until I fell a sleep. I let out all of my disappointed human’s feeling to Him, but I will never gonna lose my faith to Him. He always know that.

A brand new day…. a day plus one after diagnosed with lupus.. the very first day of my spiritual and miracle journey… the very first day I felt reborn and new. My life is incredible…

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Can you see now friends, I was having the most uncertain and painful time in my life. I have faced devastation at this stage. I was only a human, even though they said I was the strongest woman they’ve ever know, they had no idea how broken my heart was… Because I only wanted them to see my smile, even if it was in the hardest day. Because I know, showing them my smile is what will make me really happy. I believe in His judgement to me.. I only need to hold on to Him. That’s all..

“Believing that we’re survive is what make us really survive” – Izzie Stevens.

And believe me, that my believing in a miracle is what really makes a miracle happens to me…

You’ll see…

 

but even when I have the strongest faith, it’s tested by time

-continue to Me & Lupus 2-

 

 

Love,

Ananda Ramartha

 

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