Love And Loss 2

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Dear Friends,

 

Warmest Love For You All,

 

Hi, How are you Friends? May always as happiest as you could be.

Love and Loss 2.. The continuity post from the Love and Loss I have posted before. In Love and Loss I told you about how I met my husband, and how I lost him by death. Our marriage was only last for 1 year 2 months and 10 days. Just five days after our last wedding reception in Bandung, he was hospitalized and in and out ever since. We didn’t have a proper honey moon as we planned, to Europe and Japan. Because I prefer his health more than anything. I thought when he is totally healed, we could go to get our honey moon anyway. But he never healed so it never happened…

Destiny…

My husband death was at the break of dawn in 20 December 2011, right at my Mother 50th birthday. Doctor checked, he was gone around 4.30 am. It was an obvious nightmare. I cried and stayed beside him. I refused everyone who wanted to cover his face with blanket. I didn’t want to see him that way. I cried and didn’t want to talk to anyone.

My Mother and My sister stayed beside me. My Father welcome family friends who showed up out of nowhere. The bonding between us Balinese outside Bali Island is as strong as Balinese society in Bali. Especially ever since my Father used to be the Chief. Some of them came to see us in the hospital, some of them arranged everything at my parent house. My house is too small for the event.

My parent in laws haven’t arrived to Bandung. They didn’t know that their only son has gone forever. My Mother in law, Bunda called me, and I cried even louder. I couldn’t take her call and told her the ugliest truth. So my sister (who have acted in some Indonesia television series) took it and talk cheerfully to her. We hid the truth until they arrive. We didn’t want them to have a nightmare trip. My sister cried loud after ended the phone.

The ambulance carried my husband corpse to my parent house. I was sitting there with my Mother and my Aunty. It was like the most vague journey. It felt surreal. I think I haven’t stopped crying, since every path the ambulance has crossed, was a memory of him.. Bandung is a memory of us. So I felt like I could see us everywhere in my tatters mind. It was the worst trip ever.

We arrived at home, and I remembered my Uncle hug me and cried, two of my best friends have been there and hug me tight. And from there everything happened very fast. I couldn’t remember precisely but there are a lot of people who came to the house whether I know them or not. I met some of my husband friends for the first time there. I have a lot of great friend in my life, but I just realized that my husband have more. I have parents who loved by so many people too. So that was hundreds people coming at just a few hour after he died.

My parent in laws finally arrived. The ambulance was standby for them, because they have sickness. My Mother in law has heart problem while my Father in law has hypertension. So many flowers in front of the house, there’s a tent and there they realized something just not right. When they saw my husband’s name on one of the big wreaths, she started to scream and he lost his balance. My Father in law fell to the ground while my Mother in law cried hysterically. I cried in my cousin’s hug. Everybody couldn’t hold their tears for the heartbreaking view. That was the moment I could remember clearly, because it was so hurtful. My Mother in law kept on screaming and she asked me whether I’m pregnant or not. Because they just lost their heir forever. Martha’s name is gone with my husband death. But I didn’t pregnant or whatsoever. I felt so guilty because I couldn’t give them any grandchild to continue the family’s name. It was all over.

My husband, was just 30 and he was about to climb higher and higher in his career. He left this world at the top of everything. He left us when he was about to make us proud even more. I was just 26 at that time. Quite young to be a widow. But everything is really happened. Even it’s beyond believe.

I didn’t want to eat or talk.. My Mother forced me. Our friends kept on coming by. I was exhausted because almost two weeks I didn’t sleep well when taking care my husband. But I was glad to see a lot of my friends coming for me. When they came I already lost tears so I made jokes and laughed. They sad even more. I said I was enough crying that day so I just want to laugh with them. Maybe they think I was losing my mind, maybe I did.

Guest coming non stop, I slept at 2am but the guests still coming by. My parents and parent in laws met them and let me rested. It was weird because my heart is broken, but I fell a sleep easily and had a very good sleep.

I felt it was just a few second, but I woke up at 6am. My head felt better, but my heart got worse.

When I opened my eyes, I sat on the bed hardly. It was like my body have gained 100kg in a night. It was very heavy and very weak. I sat and stared at the mirror. I saw a miserable woman stared back at me. Her eyes were swollen and dark. I looked terrible physically. I sat there, and I lost my self in the mirror.

Something hit my chest so bad. I hardly breath for a minute. I thought I have a heart attack or lung problem. But I was finally okay. I tried to stand and finally walked slowly from bed room. I opened the door and there he was.. In the coffin. My parents in laws slept below the coffin. They really didn’t leave him at all.

Saw his peacefully closing eyes, suddenly the hurtful pain in my chest hit me harder. I couldn’t hold the river of tears flooding fast through my eyes. I cried and sobbed hard. I bended on my knee in front of my husband’s body. I touched his face and I finally knew what cause my pain. I was terribly terribly broken hearted.

I felt a major pain choking my chest. It was a pain I couldn’t tell you about.. but I just felt it. Maybe it was an extreme emptiness.. I lose words to describe how empty I felt that morning. It’s like I lose half of my body, or half of my true self. So, maybe that’s how it felt when losing the half of your soul. Extremely hollow and incomplete. Void.

It wasn’t a dream or imagination. It was all real. My husband has left me forever. He would never coming back even for once. He just gone, vanish from earth. I wasn’t perfect and complete anymore. I was broken in pieces. Every dreams I have, he was in there. I felt my future completely destroyed without him again by my side.

So maybe that was bad broken heart I ever feel. The worst one for sure. Because I know, the pain I felt at that moment, will stay in my heart until the rest of my life. It was a wound that will heal someday, but will leave a great big scar in my soul. A permanent scar tattoo.

I was forced to be separated from the love of my life. My heart was in a chronically bleeding. No tears could show how much I miss his presence, that morning. I knew big part of me will always have that longing feeling for him. Maybe until forever.

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my Mother in law

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My parents in law with my best friend

 

More friends and families came, some of them cried harder than me. I think I lost all of my tears near his coffin that morning. I stopped crying until we flew to Bali.

My strong man lost war to meningitis disease. He lost his fighting spirit after months of struggling. He is now sleeping for eternally in the coffin. He’s finally free from misery. His last words still ringing in my ear..

“Thank you..”

That’s all..

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at my parents house

 

We arrived in Bali. His uncle welcome me in tears at the airport. We picked up his coffin at cargo. There are so many families already waited there. It was heartbreaking moments, everybody crying and hugging. I saw it for the first time, my strong and tough Uncle, cried and hug my Father. Those cousins crying together. So many families there, mine and his. I felt so blessed for having them who love us sincerely.

Ambulance took Kemp’s body to Bubunan, Singaraja, his hometown. My Father in law stayed with him in ambulance, while me and my Mother in law in a different car. I tried feeding my Mother in law and my self before we arrived with many rituals to handle. She only took two spoons and didn’t want to eat anymore. We stopped crying and just looked at the road without spirit. The road was our memory. He was everywhere in my head.

The car entered Bubunan Village slowly.. I saw something weird a long the road. People are standing at the pavement and waving their hands to the ambulance in front of my car. There are so many many people a long the way. My Mother in law shed a tear. I asked her, what are the people doing in there?

Mother: “They salute your husband, because he is Bubunan’s pride.”

I hold my breath, mesmerized… Hundreds of family standing and waving there, for my late husband. I never realized he was so famous in the village. But he was, everybody knows him. I hold my tears, because I knew I just lost the greatest man whom not only loved by me, but also by the whole village. My husband really leave the world at the peak of his kindness and greatness. He leave the world at his best moment.

When we arrived at home, you can imagined what happened. Hundreds of family welcome us in tears. My parent in laws breaking harder. They sobbed together and told family how broken their hearts now. I couldn’t breath because people surrounded me with hugs and tears. It’s not that I didn’t like it, but I need sometime to be alone, so I left them to my room at the third floor. I thought I’d found peace there, but I didn’t. I found even more memories of him.

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our room in his parent house in Bubunan, Singaraja Bali

 

Kemp is honored to be the first person to have an individual Ngaben in our big family (burning body ceremony). It was never happened before, because Kemp’s family only do Ngaben every once in 10 years. A mass Ngaben. But I asked them that I wanted to hold the ceremony for him. It’s not just about the money, but I really want to give him the best thing that I could give. My parent in laws talked with the family elders and they granted our wishes in an hour. They said Kemp is worth, to give only the best. I cried over the decision. Their permissions are golden to me.

Thank you so much Pekak…

The Ngaben day is at 30 December 2011. My Father and Father in law birthday is at 18 and 26 December, while my Mother’s is at 20 December right at his death day. And on 22 December it was Mother’s Day. So it felt like his death was surrounded between important date for our parents. It would be memorable for the rest of our life. Between the birthday celebration, BAM!… his death.

My husband took others for Ngaben with him, one is grandmother from his cousin, and others were his two male cousins (they were brothers and died almost at the same time for God sake!). Family said, my husband was a very royal man when he lived, and amazingly he still give to other even when he already passed away. All of the expenses for Ngaben was from his saving and mine, and also from his insurance. I make sure I pay every loans from families for his Ngaben, because I know he want me to pay for everything. So I think he didn’t burden family financially, he did it all him self. As he always did, my super independent man.

30 December 2011, The Ngaben Ceremony went really smooth, thousands of people came at the day. Our friends and family combined are great numbers, mean greater prayers for him. It was an amazing day. Our best friends and families flew from all over the world to meet him for the last time. The day was perfect.

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Only God knows how broken our hearts were, seeing his body burned in a fire. I still couldn’t feel that was real. A man that I used to hug and kiss was burned in to ashes. The process really stabbed me in the hope. Me and him, our story is really over. It’s killing me alive. But people said he was released from any pain he had during his sickness. His body back to purity and he’s coming home to Mother Nature, as his soul reunited with God.

I really hope he is..

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I did my last job as his wife, we all family did a great job for him. He was gone in thousands of prayers from people who love him, with the best ceremony we could give for him. I can feel it for sure, he got the best place in the highest heaven. Moksa. My man is one great example of kindness and hard work. He make a small village of Bubunan proud by his achievement. He make them proud, for living his wildest dream of success.

I want to give my greatest gratitude to everyone who have supported me and arranged the ceremony in Bandung and Bali. I wouldn’t have done it without you all. There are no words could describe how thankful I am for getting the greatest love from you all. I’m sorry if I couldn’t mentioned one by one or showing the pictures each of you in this post. There are hundreds of others photos and so many wreaths that I couldn’t shown here. But my heart always pray for your soul. May God bless you all in the most amazing way He could possibly done.

It was really great to be in the crowd of the rituals, but the reality bite afterward. When I’m going home to Bandung, to our empty house… My loneliness is the real test..

“Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go, but rather learning to start over” -Nicole Sobon-

A month I didn’t come to my own house, I stayed at my parent’s house. I was afraid of facing our memories. But I realized, it’s impossible for me to avoid my own house forever. So I moved back to my house after I embraced my power. Besides, I needed time to be completely alone, to learn living in a world where he’s not there. It was the toughest moments. Everywhere I saw, every edges of our house he was there all around. But I didn’t run away from the pain, I needed to feel at home again in my own house. So I tried to face it…

I’m just a human who has every good and bad emotion. My love for Kemp is really pure. Our love is the most beautiful thing ever happened in my life. He is my whole life. He was so spoiled by me and I love do it. He is my partner, my best friend, my father, my brother, my lover, my child… he is my everything… and I gave him everything not just to be left out like this. I marry him because he was supposed to be my long life time partner. I trusted his words and promises to me because of a big hope of great happiness for the rest of my life. But he left me in front of the gate of our marriage life. I entered his family not just to be left alone there. He broke every promises when he left me to another world, when I needed him the most… ironic..

I was mad beyond words.. I was broken to the smallest pieces… I was a complete mess.. I have every reasons to be devastated because life treated me this bad… but until when? but why should I waste all of my energy for anger and sadness? I endured every tears that I shed when memories struck me hard. I talked to his photo and hug it while crying. I sometimes cried until I fell a sleep to the next day, still hugging his picture. I also often slept in his T-shirt. I miss him so bad, but I didn’t know how to find him. He didn’t just go overseas and come back after a month. He was gone for the rest of my life.

When I remembered it now, I once losing my head to my pain. I used his mobile phone to call my own phone. And there I scolded him to come home soon and stopped making me so worry about him. He had to stop making me missing him like crazy. I didn’t care how loud I screamed, but I just want to scream and let out my depression.

For almost five years, we always have the habit of sending email to each other or talked hours on the phone every single day. It was my favorite moment in our relationship. Waiting for his call or he’s waiting mine. We shared our day and set our goals together in a distance. But distance just made our love grow stronger and stronger. Distance is never the barrier, but distance is the best teacher for our relationship. We’ve learned to wait, because each of us were worth waiting for.

I might be that woman who doesn’t fancy surprises and the one who have that ‘cool’ exterior (expression less). But I never hesitate to show my man how much I love him, in words and action. Maybe I don’t surprise my man often to show him my love, but I cook for him, I took care every details of his day when he’s with me. I change his style to a lot lot better one. I always said I love you before I closed the phone. He really love every details that I’ve done for him, that is why he’s changing from a super non caring person, become a too much caring person (too many surprises). I spoil him like a baby and he loved it..

He once said to me, only me who could make him felt really loved. That he could feel how much I love him. Because I showed my love to him in actions and words. He said, he never felt that much in a woman.

I never meant anything, but honestly when I’m with him, I wanted to give my very best. I wanted to appreciate God’s gift for giving me a man of my dream. A man like him is a rare treasure in my life. He is so special too in my heart. And there were never guys who could make me care a lot for them, except Kemp. He made me feel like I could do better every single day for him… Maybe because we’re meant to be for each other. We willing to change for other happiness.

“Only great love who could make people compromised. If you want to have a happy eternal marriage, then married for love, the other reasons are less important.” -Ananda Ramartha- 

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The l love you words are our key for a successful relationship. We said it to each other every single day. I don’t care and never shy to say it in front of my friends, but I hold it if it’s in front of my boss. Now it’s gone. His deep beautiful voice will never ever heard again. Words I love you from that voice has forever disappeared. That habit is what I missed the most…

My misery made me hard to sleep at night. For almost three months I shut my self in the house and let out every emotion to the house. Anger, disappointment, sadness, or everything. I cried loud and didn’t care if my neighbors hear it or not. I just wanted to cry alone.. alone.

My sister and brother in law moved to my house. My Mother said she didn’t want me to be all alone facing the sadness. So they stayed there with me for three months. I just know why my Mother insisted for my sister and brother in law to accompany me at that time.

Mother finally said her reason honestly to me recently. A month after Kemp’s death, she often awake at dawn… she awake suddenly because she heard me shouting to her in a desperate voice.

“Mother… Mother!”

She said it wasn’t even dream, she just heard my voice somewhere in the distance screaming out her name. Her feeling was broken as much as mine when Kemp passed away. I never told anyone how ruined my feeling was. I never cried in front of others after Ngaben ceremony, but I went completely honest when I’m alone. That’s just who I am. I couldn’t make people sad because I’m sad. I hid my misery, but a Mother’s feeling couldn’t be lied. She knew I went through hell all alone. She heard my voice somewhere. We’re in a different house, but my sorrow sound’s reached her. She always woke up in tears on her face. She worried so much about me.

It’s a strong Mother’s love. A mother always have the greatest bond with her children. Her feeling couldn’t get any more true, because I secretly awake and cried at dawn. Dawn is a scary time for me, because Kemp was die at that time. Dawn is the most frightening moment. I didn’t tell anyone, but seemed my pain connected to her feeling. When I cried for Kemp, she heard me shouting her in a desperate voice. She knew I needed her the most at that moment, but I never asked her, so she sent me my little sister and my brother in law.

She just told me this truth, last year. Oh Mother ;(

When I isolated my self at my house, I created a lot lot lot of broken heart songs (see My Songs post, for tittle I Loved You). I stuck in sorrow. But best friends keep on coming to me, cheered me with their own ways. Some are politely understanding, some are more frankly and didn’t want to hear me mourn about my sadness. They just ask me to be happy again and hurry me to move on. Whatever their ways were, finally I started to hang out again. Then I started to work in a hotel, still as Sales Manager. The quiet heavy job made me forget the misery for a while. I finally know how to laugh and truthfully happy as before. I didn’t cry every time my colleagues asked me of how Kemp’s die. I never cried, but I was moved when they cried for me. I have great friends in Luxton Hotel Bandung. I love them, they make me feel stronger.

I am blessed to have lots of best friends in my life. I love them in their different characters. Because I know them better, I know to whom I could tell my truthful sorrow while crying, or to whom I should go when I need a big stupid laughter, no tears. I am very blessed, especially for having these two who could be both of joy and sorrow pals, my sister Tiwi and brother in law Irwan. Having them all in my life are like having the most precious diamond on earth. My friends and siblings are what made me who I am today.

My parent in laws are wonderful human being. I am truly grateful to have them in my life. Them both are the greatest role models for me. They are kind, honest, strong, and love me sincerely. They are Kemp’s best legacy for me. I love them so much..

I realize, I still have lots of blessings in my life. I didn’t want to mourn over something I didn’t have or something I have lost. I learn to be incredibly grateful. And it was one of the best medicine for my pain.

Life goes on with or without him….

I slowly moved on, to sincerely accept Kemp’s death. Almost a year after he died I still wear my wedding ring (simply a guy repeller). I think I wasn’t ready for any man and focus only to the job. I didn’t cry as often as before. I cried only when I miss him the most. Finally I gave away his belonging to his parents, and his family, also share some to my brothers and Father. I needed to move on slowly but sure.

A lot of friend told me to get a new husband so my life would be complete like before. They said I was too picky or whatsoever. Hey pals, yes I am picky and I’m proud of my character. I’m never afraid for being single. I wasn’t left because of my willing, it’s because God’s destiny we couldn’t resist. I’m better off alone than being with just anybody..

Some friends also said, that they don’t understand why I’m being so loyal when Kemp already leave me. I am as free as a bird now, so why not start dating. They said they’d move on faster if they were the one who lost their partners. I just answer….

I won’t shut my self from men… I’ll open my heart. I just need time to heal. Because when I was broken, any new relationship will be just a simply rebound. Maybe it worked for somebody else, but not for me. I don’t want to use or hurt any man that really love me. And I understand why you would move on so fast.. you would because maybe, you just don’t love your husband/wife as much as I loved my husband. Maybe you are not with your true love. I met mine even in a short time, it felt so amazing, and I’m willing to wait for the new man who can give me that kind of feeling again. I didn’t want just anybody, I want one best man for the rest of my life. I don’t mind waiting. When it’s time, he’ll come to me. Finding true love is a life time journey, so I’m not rushing it.

If you ever think and ask question like my friends above there, I question your love for your partner. It’s obviously not love. Maybe you married only for her money, or look. You have never fall in love to her soul like I did to Kemp. You missed a lot of true happiness there.. So Sorry pals.. But that’s the truth. Even the most realistic guy on earth, needed time to heal his misery after losing his wife. A wound needs time to heal. Losing your true love is like ripping your one heart in two, by forced. It left a bleeding hurting soul. If you don’t need time to heal, then maybe you’re a superman or you just haven’t found your true love.

Losing a person is not like losing a bag or a dress, that you could replace so easily. It’s way more complicated, because you couldn’t find the exact same person like the one who got away. Unlike bags which could be produced millions number and precisely the same. Human ain’t property.

That’s a big lesson for me, sometimes I got mad when people so easy ask this or that. One gone, thousand grows. Right, but a man like him won’t grow again, and I don’t love the thousand kind, I just love that one. I wish they could see me with more compassion. They’ll understand that what I need is time to heal. I’m fine being alone but sometimes they are the one who’s not fine with it. Not all came with good reason, sometimes just a stupid social conversation.

“So do you have a new boy friend?” one asked, just three months after Kemp’s death. Oh My God! It’s a silly debate, because I know why they talked easily and heartless. Because they have never experienced true love loss. The one who could truly understand is the one who have been experienced exactly the same. Others, can only feel bad and empathy, or even not feel it at all. Period.

Of course I want to get married and have kids someday. I’m a normal person. But I don’t rush it, because God knows the best time for me. He’ll come when he come. I’ll know he’s the one when I meet him. I don’t want to get married because of social demand. Oh God never… I want to get married when I meet the right one. Just relax and enjoy the world, who knew I’ll marry tomorrow. So I needed to enjoy my single-ness today.

Having widow status really is a challenge in my daily life. That just make me feel even more responsible in behave with others, especially in front of cunning men. I have to keep my family’s good name and also Kemp’s perfect name.

Ever since Kemp’s death, there were two special men in my heart. I am as normal as a woman could be. I started relationship too you know. But when it didn’t work out, then what can I say?

Kemp’s death made me reconsider my own goals. What I really want and what I less want. There I knew something, I wanted to start my own business. Having a successful business is one of my biggest dream. I’ve learned big lesson, people who die before they living their dream, will die in regret, while people who living their wildest dream, die in satisfaction. So I need to be brave pursuing every crazy dreams I have.. I dare my self to change. I wanted to make Kemp proud of his wife on earth.

I have change a lot from before, I dare to take risk and do everything with fullest heart. I wanted to be a living legend, at least for my self. I wanted to be that kind of person who grow better, in a worst condition. Be that kind of person who always shine in the darkest rain. I wanted to beat my freight and live to the fullest. I don’t want to have any regret.

I have gone through 5 stages of griefs and loss as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.

  1. Denial and Isolation
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

Maybe it wasn’t exactly the same sequence as mentioned, but I went through those stages. It took a year for me to give away his stuffs, and it took two years until I let off the wedding ring on my finger. I accept his death slowly, too slow because I couldn’t rush the healing of my pain. I endure every hurting feeling, until the feeling not hurting me like before. Because the day when I stop crying at the moment that used to make me cry the most, that’s when I already moved on. The wound started to heal.

My faith to God who knows what’s best for His being, is what keep me strong. There are no tests that people couldn’t handle. Each being has been given a power along with the test. I found my power slowly but sure. Just hold on to your faith stronger. The wheel of life will turn. After  great sadness, I believe there will be a greater happiness. But remember, you have to be completely passed from the test. For sure, He’ll give you the best graduation gift.

Believe it, because I’ve been there.

“Learn to be sincerely happy within your misery, then the true happiness will actually come to you.” -Ananda Ramartha-

Kemp is Kemp. He will always be special in my mind. He will always have place in my heart, no matter whom I’m with some day. Kemp is still irreplaceable, but so does my future husband, so does my parents, his parents and siblings. We are all irreplaceable. My next true love won’t replace Kemp, but he will continue Kemp’s duty to be my husband in this life. He will give me so many things that Kemp hasn’t gave me. He would never replace Kemp, because Kemp also could not replace him as a person. Them both different, but they have same purpose, to make me happy. So them both are must be so special to me. I know where to put them in my heart and mind. Kemp is my past and someone is gonna be my future. That’s a big difference, but both are still part of my life.

So yes I sincerely let Kemp go, I’m moving on, but doesn’t mean I forget about him. I couldn’t forget him even though I wanted to. He will never be forgotten by us all. He touched so many hearts. The memories of him is what showed us that once he was real. That once me and him was real. Nothing could take that away, even time it self.. But I finally could say, I loved you… The past tense of my feeling for him.

I loved you so much Bli Kemp, you knew it better than any one. So pray for me from up there, always… Bless my life with your soul. And find me a great man that can love me like you do, even better. Find me a man who could accept the fact that I am now have 4 parents that I really love and he must love them too. I believe you will find him for me.. I believe you because I loved you…

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It’s been a long tough journey until I reached sincerity. It was a long process until I finally accept this hurtful faith. I live happy now because once I learned to be happy in my agony. It was all tiring, but meaningful lesson. Because sincerity, is the hardest lesson. Not only for loss of the loved one, sometimes it’s for stuffs too. Anyhow, we all must have sincerity. So we could live in happy and peaceful mind.

There goes the story. Honestly, sharing you this really took it out of me. I cried at some points remembering the pain. But it’s okay, I know I’m getting stronger when I write this post. And I hope you also getting stronger from any loss you have been through. I hope we are all stronger and better.

May God always bless the sad and lost soul, to find their true power and happiness within. Like I did..

 

Keep Your Smile In The Hardest Storm

 

My Greatest Love,

Ananda Ramartha

 

 

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